Becoming a parent is mind-blowing and exhausting, there is no question about it. From the panic of trying to work out why your newborn won’t stop crying, to questioning yourself if your toddler is behind or normal. Then comes the school years, which is bonkers in the amount of admin, juggling school hours with your work and trying to keep up with everything that goes on with the PTA. Once we’ve tackled all that, we’re then thrown into the deep end with a hormonal teenager, who starts drinking or hanging out with the wrong crowd. It is a never-ending cycle of stress, new problems and worrying if you’re doing it right.
So it’s no wonder that mums are struggling to manage their stress levels. In fact, a recent survey by Kalms found that excessive levels of stress, low energy, and prolonged feelings of physical, mental or emotional exhaustion have led to 40% of struggling mums to seek help from their GP. And a lot of mums now get through the day with the help of anti-depressants and other medications.
Career Coach and author of “Burnt out: The Exhausted Person’s Guide to Thriving in a Fast-paced World”, Selina Barker, tells The Joy: “Parental burnout is the physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion that one feels from the chronic stress of parenting. It’s that feeling that you simply can’t cope anymore. It can manifest with emotional distancing from your child, increased irritability, and impatience. Some ‘BOPs’ may experience forgetfulness or increased feelings of anxiety or depression, and many question their ability to parent in the first place.”
So if this sounds familiar, then rest assured you’re not alone. It’s hard managing everything and the guilt, pressure and responsibility that comes from raising a child. And take it from your own parents, that stress and worry will never go away. So how can we find a happy balance to ease the strain?
“Gender inequality is a very real issue at play in many heterosexual parenting couples. Even when both parents work and share financial responsibilities, you will often find that the mother is still the primary caregiver,” Selina continues. “The weight of this ‘mental’ load on top of a demanding job can be a big contributor to burnout amongst mothers. Never was this more apparent than during lockdown when much of the home-schooling fell to mothers, even when they were also trying to work from home.
“There is a deep-rooted narrative in our society that being ‘the perfect mother’ requires self-sacrifice, leading to a strong unconscious resistance from mothers to prioritise their own wellbeing. Self-care can be confused with selfishness, when in fact it is the best thing you can do for yourself AND your family.”
Selina goes on to explain that we as mothers need to work out what we need in our personal lives that would give us the self-care we need to thrive and survive.
Tips for a calmer day
1. Schedule breaks from parenting
“Parenting is a 24/7 commitment, but it’s perfectly normal and acceptable to need time away from your children, partner, work, and home responsibilities,” explains Selina. “Even two minutes of putting down the to-do list, kicking back and relaxing for a moment can help you to calm your nervous system and recharge your batteries. Look at what mini breaks you can give yourself throughout the day to be still for a moment and breathe. It can be as simple as a walk through the park, a cup of tea on your own, or a 5-minute meditation in the bathroom with the door locked.”
2. When it’s time for bed, go to sleep
“Late-night scrolling on social media to reclaim back the ’me time’ that you didn’t get during the day can be tempting. However, this habit robs us of valuable shuteye and can result in unhealthy comparison loops. Set aside your phone an hour before you intend to sleep and replace that scrolling time with something that really helps you to relax and restore your energy. Try a hot bath, a guided meditation, reading time, journaling, or some wind-down yoga.”
3. Try a herbal remedy
“Try an energising adaptogen to help regulate stress and feel more alert throughout the day. Rhodiola Rosea is a powerful herb that can help your body and brain process stress more effectively. Studies have shown that two daily tablets of Rhodiola Rosea can reduce symptoms of exhaustion, stress and mild anxiety and help to restore your energy levels.”
4. Do things that help you release the stresses of the day
“Parenting, as wonderful and magical as it can be, can also be challenging at times. On those stressful days, it’s important that you have methods to direct and relieve tension. Dancing around your kitchen with kids, stomping through the park, laughing with friends or a burst of exercise can all help you to release the stresses of the day, put things in perspective and generate feel-good hormones.”
5. Get the help that you need
“One of the most important things you can do, for yourself and for your child, is to ask for AND GET the support you need. It is NOT a sign of weakness, but strength. Knowledge is power. So, recognise when you are feeling overwhelmed or in any way struggling, and ask for help – this could be from a friend, family, partner or professional.”
As Selina says above, asking for help is absolutely not a sign of weakness, so if you feel like you need to talk reach out to your GP or friends and family. For more on Selina and to buy her book visit www.theburntoutbook.com. Kalms Rhodiola is available to purchase from Boots, Superdrug, supermarkets, and pharmacies nationwide and online retailers such as Amazon, Superdrug or directly from www.kalmsrange.co.uk
The Joy 