Sitting in a team meeting one cold January morning as my editor told us more redundancies were coming, my stomach dropped. We’d already lost so many good members of our team since Covid, and none of us could realistically see where they could take more cuts. My question was answered very quickly though when, as soon as that meeting ended, another was added to my diary along with three other colleagues. Turned out they saw the best place for redundancy was by merging our departments, to make a team of four a team of three. We were then told we would be marked on a matrix system by three senior colleagues and the result of that would dictate who would be leaving the company.
The Long Redundancy Wait
The next few weeks were awful for the four of us, each one of us convinced the others would be safe. I was told time and time again by colleagues, friends and family that they wouldn’t want to lose me, that I was too invaluable. When Covid struck back in 2020 the company announced that hundreds of people would be losing their jobs and we all went through a long redundancy process of job interviews, presentations and saying goodbye to those that took voluntary. I managed to survive that cull by the skin of my teeth, keeping myself employed through maternity cover roles before I was offered my last role in a permanent position. It seemed like they were fighting to keep me back then, so perhaps I would be safe this time around too. Especially as I was experienced across both departments.
But I was wrong. In early February 2023, I was called by my boss and told that I had scored the lowest on the matrix. To say I was in shock was an understatement. I asked on what basis and was told they would release the matrix back to me and I could contest the scores, they actually encouraged me to do this.
Later that day, the matrix came over and I opened it up with shaking hands. To see all your faults written down in black and white was like reading a report card back at school – brutal. But to my surprise, the scores were relatively good. However, one mistake made six months prior or a critique of my managerial style (that had never been flagged to me), and a few other things like that had lowered my number. Turned out, there was literally one point between me and the person who ranked 3rd.
What rights do I have with redundancy?
So on that basis I was hopeful, I would contest and they would clearly see that the scores were not fair. Surely I couldn’t be given a 3 out of 5 on something that that person had never flagged that I was doing wrong. But my other colleagues had contested their scores too and as a result of that, I was told there was no point recalculating the scores as it would still be the same outcome. It was bye-bye Jenny, see you later. You can log off now, we’ll pay you for the rest of the month and IT will be in touch about your laptop.
When that call ended, I sat frozen to the spot. I was in utter shock. Then the tears came and they didn’t stop. I loved my job, and I honestly mean that. I’d worked so hard to get to where I was and I finally felt confident in the role I was doing. I managed a team I loved, I worked with great people, and the magazines and content we produced were amazing. I worked my arse off, day in and day out for them and this was how they thanked me…redundancy!
What happens next?
All I could think was that I had been naive, that I listened to people who said I was good at my job when in fact I wasn’t. They didn’t value me at all and they’d seemingly made up their minds on who would be going before we were called into that initial meeting. For some reason, it felt like the editor saw me as the least valuable member of staff from those two departments and that bloody hurt. Especially as this editor was someone I’d known since the very beginning of my career, she had been my first boss in the industry and I thought she valued that. I was clearly wrong.
In the weeks that followed, I was completely deflated. The redundancy almost felt like I had been dumped. I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was rubbish at my job. Everyone kept saying it’s a numbers thing, it would have been based on your salary and not personal, but I could not be convinced at all. In fact, it drove me to feel more victimised. I spoke to lawyers, explained my situation and they told me I had a case for unfair dismissal. But the thought of any more dealings with my old colleagues sent me into a panic, I couldn’t face it. I had a good package, I was going to suck it up and move on.
The Mental Spiral
But I didn’t move on. I spiralled into a horrible head space, I felt like I was walking around in a dream. I pranged my car, forgot my son’s swimming lessons and missed plans I’d made. I was a mess. Then came the self-doubt, I wasn’t good enough, and that was the hardest thing to shake. I searched LinkedIn and job ads, but nothing seemed like a good fit and I didn’t have the confidence to apply. I didn’t even contemplate freelancing at this point, I felt like everyone in the industry would know I was laid off and they would automatically assume that meant I wasn’t any good.
Of course, our minds do crazy things when we go through a significant life change. And we can get ourselves stuck in a horrible cycle if we don’t do something about it. I was renovating my house at the time, so could throw myself into decorating and other odd jobs. A few months later, my house was finished so I spent my days seeing friends, hanging out with my son and sending job applications that I rarely got responses to.
The school holidays came, I had my son with me so I was constantly busy and running around on play dates and going on trips. But in the back of my mind, I was panicking, I was running out of money fast and hadn’t secured a new job. I decided it was time to try freelancing, to push my doubts aside and start pitching to old colleagues and friends who worked for different magazines and websites. Slowly my confidence came back, but it’s a hard world to work in. I don’t know if I’ll make enough to pay my bills from one month to the next. I get commissioned and then the commission gets cancelled or the celebrity I plan on interviewing pulls out. Then comes the pitches that get no replies, not even a polite ‘no thank you’, which drives me utterly mad.
Time to let it go
I still hate my old company for what they did and can’t see the anger ever going away. And for anyone going through redundancy and feeling similar to how I felt, I get it. It’s utterly s**t, you feel worthless and question your entire career. I hope as the months and years go on, this feeling will go away. I know I’m not worthless, I’m good at what I do and it’s their loss but that feeling of being personally targeted will forever stay with me. But as they say, everything happens for a reason and there’s no point in dwelling on the bad stuff. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off and crack on because you’re the only one in control of your future.
If you’re going through redundancy or struggling to cope after losing a job, these guys are amazing and can offer great help and advice. I’d love to hear from you too so please get in touch if you have a story to tell me.
The Joy 